Getting through airports can be a hassle at the best of times. But for those of us who have the gaul to take a laptop with us, an airport can be a real pain in the ass when traveling. Luckily, there are a few things you can do to ease the pain.

For starters, when you go through the check-in, the security goons are going to want to look at your laptop. It’s not that they think it could be a security risk, it’s just that the combined IQ of the three apes looking at your laptop doesn’t quite reach triple figures and… well… your laptop is shiny. If you are unlucky it will hold their attention for hours like a kitten playing with twine. It’s therefore best to make sure your laptop is in an easily accessible part of your hand-luggage so you can get it out and put it back quickly. This will save you a lot of time.

Remember also, that the security apes might ask you to turn on your laptop. They can’t really do it themselves because the buttons are usually too small for their stubbie fingers that look more like small tree trunks. It’s best to plan for this as turning your machine on and off can take up time that you usually need to be using running for your plane. It’s best to leave your laptop on ’suspend’ mode so it boots up quickly. This usually doesn’t take up too much juice.

You could also boot from a floppy, if your machine actually has one.

Make sure the goons don’t use a metal detector on your laptop. While the x-ray machine isn’t a problem for laptops, the metal detector on the other hand, can actually cause damage. Ask the apes to check it by hand - they will usually be excited because most people don’t let them near shiny, breakable objects, let alone touching them.

Take your receipt. The apes at airports will sometimes insist that you purchased your laptop overseas and therefore demand that you pay bribes duty. If you have your receipt, this won’t be an issue (though you may have to read it out loud to them). Make sure you keep the receipt or a copy in your laptop bag.

Lastly, try to keep your laptop safe from the other passengers. You might think that because there are so many security apes around that nobody would dare steal your laptop in an airport. But remember - the average dirty sock has a higher IQ than the average airport security ape, so you and your laptop are on your own when it comes to staying united. Don’t let it out of your sight - even when it’s going through the x-ray machine (where other passenegers could conceivably pick it up). You could also consider carrying it it a less conspicuous bag, such as a regular pack (rather than a computer bag).

By taking a few simple precautions and planning ahead for the idiocy of the security apes, you will have a far less painful time when taking your laptop through an airport. Good luck!

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